Well It's About Time.

Well it's been just over a year. Since we lost our little guy. I still have some really hard days but most days are good now. People always say "well at least you already have three beautiful children" or "well it just wasn't meant to be, at least you know you can have more". Yes, yes I have three amazing kids that I love more than anything. But I loved this lil guy just as much as the others. I felt him moving around and got to see him in the ultrasounds. He was such a wiggle worm. I got to hear his heart beat. People always say things thinking it will make you feel better when all it does is piss you off and make you angrier, sadder....lonelier and maybe just a bit darker inside. But you put on a smile and just nod. Nobody really sees how much you cry, or maybe because I HATE showing emotion in front of people I've just learned to hide it.
  I was home last summer to help my mom. Wayne was gone on mission again for the Marines so the kids and I came out. I had a few appointments here in Utah a Circle of Life. Things were looking really good, baby was healthy and growing. Then Wayne surprised us and came to Utah a week early so he could be at our Dr's appointment to find out the sex of the baby. The kids all really wanted to be there. They wanted to see the baby that was in mommas belly! We decided to let them come, they all had their guess on if it was a boy or girl. Matt said boy, Peyton said girl and she told Mason he thought it was a girl. I knew it was a boy...about when Mason was 6 months old I just had this feeling he was just waiting for his little brother.
So we got to the Dr and got all settled in and the Dr came in. She started the ultrasound and the baby came into view and right away I did not see him moving like he always was and I didn't see the flickering of his heart beating. I looked and Wayne and mouthed "there's no heart beat" I started crying and then that's when the Dr said she was so sorry but that she couldn't find a heart beat on him. We were just to the 17 weeks. He had passed away at just 12 weeks, most likely right after my last ultrasound since he hadn't changed in size much. We weren't able to find out for sure his sex but we just know in our hearts it was a boy. Since we were supposed to be flying back home to Hawaii in 3 days they decided to do a D&C the next day so that I wouldn't miscarry on the plane. The next day also happened to be Matthew's 6th Birthday. Luckily My brother and his family were in town visiting and took all the kids. Matthew had a great birthday with his uncle, aunt and all his cousins.
  We went in to the hospital the day after our appointment. It was the longest wait. The nurses kept coming in to tell us it would be awhile longer because the Dr was delivering a baby and all these babies just decided they couldn't wait anymore. I kept wishing they would just say that he was busy with another patient and he would be awhile longer. I didn't need to hear about all these people having there babies when I was losing mine.
  Finally they came in and gave me something to help calm me before going into the operating room. I've had it before and it sure knocks you out before your even out of your room! But this time I woke up a little bit as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I just slightly remember telling them I didn't want to see any of the operating tools they were about to use and a nurse covering them back up for me. That's it, I woke up crying and my nurse sitting next to me crying.  I was finally wheeled back to my room and awhile later I was able to go home. We had promised Matt fireworks for his birthday. So once we got home it was late enough to do cake, ice cream, presents and fireworks. It was so hard to sit and pretend to be happy when I just wanted to go up and hid in my bed. It all happened so fast, getting an ultrasound done and the next morning a D&C that I didn't have time to process it all until a few days later. It was all over in a day, my baby was there and then gone and I just didn't have time to process it until it was already over. That was really hard. 
  Because of the surgery we had to change our flight to the next week. I spent the next week in bed sleeping, crying and cuddling my kids. When we got home I spent a few months in a dark place. I stayed in pj's and the kids lived on cereal. My husband left on mission again so it was me dealing with this on my own with three kids. But I had a great ward who brought us meals and kept trying to get us to go to play group. I did do a Spartan Race 3 weeks after my surgery but kinda felt like I didn't really "earn" my medal because I had to be care full and so I skipped a few obstacle....maybe 8 out of who knows how many! After that I went back into my dark place. FINALLY one day I decided to go on a hike with our play group and I met a great friend that day!! I'm so thankful that I went that day and met her, otherwise I don't know how much longer I would have stayed in that dark place. I know someday I will see him again, but I miss him so much and it's hard to not wonder what would have been. Like now he would be 1 this coming January. What would his personality be like, what color eyes would he have brown or blue, blond hair or brown, shy and quiet like his oldest brother, or crazy like his other one, maybe silly and sweet like his sister....I'll never know...
 And we have since then lost another babe and two months later lost twins. We've gone from easily getting pregnant to losing 3 to not even being able to get pregnant. This is a hard challenge and I have a feeling a long road ahead of us before we will be blessed with another babe....if we are blessed with another babe.